stop and stare.

I'm starting to appreciate the visual side of life more and more lately. Pictures hold a lot of meaning and I don't care to be labeled as the one always documenting a moment, or the one never appreciating a moment for what it is. I agree that some moments aren't meant to be relived or obsessed over, but I think the important ones should have the opportunity to be remembered. 

However, I think it's also important to have feelings with those pictures. I remember being on my favorite vacation and while I was taking a ton of photos, my dad told me I should be writing in a journal at the end of each night to remember each day. I didn't listen to him. Now, here I am, I have all of these pictures to look back on, but I don't remember what I thought of the sights then, or the names of the people I met. I can look at a picture now and think something of it, but 20-year-old me is going to think something differently than 15-year-old me did.

That's what I'm learning lately. Take in each moment. Appreciate the good and don't be so quick to dismiss the bad. Make something of the moments instead of the moments getting the best of you. 

Anyway, I've been feeling blah lately and have been a overwhelmed with life, so I wanted to go on a photo adventure to force myself to slow down and look for beauty. Luckily, my friend Margaret was all for it. 

So, here was some of our day:

Welllll, we were going to catch the sunrise and then eat a huge breakfast. But 6:30 a.m. And Saturday morning. Those two things don't sound great together. Instead, we let ourselves sleep in for a little bit and decided that bagels would suffice. I remember feeling overjoyed when we were coming up this road and seeing the variety of fall colors starting to show.

I tagged along with Margaret to one of her photo shoots. We joked and said I was her assistant, but let's be real here, I held and switched her lenses back and forth at least ten times. I loved it, though. I loved watching someone in their element, doing something they're really passionate about. And good at. I loved watching the Naufel's be a family and love on their son, Eben. It wasn't for the pictures, it was genuine and that was comforting to me.

Some things make admiration easy:

About 10/10 times I wear the wrong shoes in terms of comfortability and reliability. But come on, would a pair of tennis shoes have looked cute in the fall leaves? No.

Eben runs faster than I do. Note to self to start running again. Correction: note to self to start running. He seemed to enjoy it.

Again, fall colors from afar.

I've been having this weird realization lately that after college I can basically go anywhere and that's exciting and terrifying. Or, you know, I could not stay still. That one is sounding pretty nice. An air freshener that I have never noticed in Marge's car before:

This is dedication. Margaret woke up sick this morning but was a trooper all day, with the help of her order from Starbucks: a hot tea with one mint majesty tea bag, one earl grey tea bag, an inch and a half of hot water, steamed lemonade the rest of the way, no peppermint syrup and two packets of honey. I don't think I'm ever going to forget that one, Marge.

Capen, you are worth every breath of reminding me of how out of shape I am.

BRUNCH. I love brunch. I love Cafe Berlin, and apples and sausage, and ordering chocolate milk at 1 p.m.

We hunted down this overlook and drove 25 miles to find it.

Margaret was looking down at her phone, reading a funny text her friend had just sent her. I heard her laugh from my car.

*Katy Perry voice* This is how we do. 

We decided to get close to the water and eventually those big signs became little specks and it's so much harder to walk back up a hill once you've walk down it, and wow, did I mention I'm out of shape?

Hey, little guys.

So, that was some of the day anyway. Like I said before, some moments don't need to be relived, like when I tripped on the gravel or when I nature peed because I couldn't hold it any longer.

But I think they are all worth remembering. 

the perception of crime, pt. 3.

Pat Kelley has lived in the Ridgeway neighborhood since 1988. She is the treasurer of the neighborhood and in the past has even been the president.

Kelley first got involved with the neighborhood in 1997, when she helped start a group called the "Crime Stoppers."

Kelley said that her and the other members didn't realize the perception of crime in the area was as negative as it was until people started verbalizing that they didn't want to live there because of it. Kelley recalled a time that a few journalism students from San Francisco and New York were checking out the area and they said that people had told the students that they didn't want to live there because it's dangerous. Kelley said she remembered thinking, "More dangerous than San Francisco or New York?"

Kelley said she thinks more can be done by policing enforcement, such as walking through the neighborhoods checking things out or some other strategies to protect the neighborhood overall.

Kelley said there have been three shootings since the spring, yet she still doesn't feel unsafe there.

"I really think that the perception of crime in the area is a whole lot worse than the crime is. I think there is a lot of prejudice," said Kelley.

the perception of crime, pt. 2.

Michael Maw is a grad student who moved to Columbia in 2012, searching for housing close to campus. Maw ended up moving into Ridgeway neighborhood, which is a triangle stretching from Providence Road, Sexton Road and Business Loop 70. Maw knew minimal information about Ridgeway having the past of criminal activity that it does before moving to the neighborhood. Fast forward a little bit, and Maw has now been the president of the Ridgeway Neighborhood Association for a year and a half and knows a lot about the crime in the area.

Maw said he hasn't really felt unsafe in the Ridgeway neighborhood but has recognized the negative perception surrounding it, and has taken part in efforts to remove the negative connotation. However, Maw knows that crime does exist. It can't be ignored and sadly enough, a lot of it does happen in his neighborhood. Here were some of his thoughts:

1. Rental property and the turnover rate with rental property play a significant role. Landlords own property that they do not care for (still figuring the reasoning out), which results in a lot of drug houses. This one is easy: the more drug houses, the more drug deals. So, lack of TLC from landlords. 

2. Rental property and affordable housing is a big deal. In case you didn't know, most student rental properties have inflated prices, costing double or three times as much as it should. These types of affordable rental properties, such as the Ridgeway neighborhood, draw in families with low income. "Poverty breeds poverty," said Maw. So, even if these people living in poverty aren't criminals, they unfortunately have a negative reputation. 

3. There is gang activity but Maw doesn't think it's all residential. In past shootings, the shooters have ended up being from a different part of Columbia, or not even from Columbia at all. Maw said he believes this is due to the easy ways to get out of a neighborhood such as Ridgeway. Maw more thoroughly described the location of his neighborhood and said it's an easy way out for people. There isn't a stoplight, a stop sign, there are eight exit points and traffic can easily speed out. That's where some shootings have happened; where there's an easy way out. It's much easier to catch someone in a suburban neighborhood where there are windy streets and only one in and one out. Those types of neighborhoods don't have many cross streets and when you're in there, you're in there. So, we should consider the fact that Columbia is made up of a lot of inner city neighborhoods, with easy ways in and out.  

"I think with Ridgeway, you've got to know your neighborhoods, what they're going through, know their joys and their sorrows and ultimately, help each other out," said Maw.

Stay tuned.

the perception of crime, pt. 1.

I'm from Jefferson County, MO.

Some people have no idea where that is or what it is known for. However, if you're from Jefferson County, you know exactly what it is known for. Or was. Meth.

There is some good news: Jefferson County is no longer the meth capital of the U.S.

I remember in high school, when we reached the chapter focusing on drugs in Health class, our county having the reputation that it did was always mentioned. Specifically, in one video we watched in class, I will never forget one of the officers in Jefferson County proposing the idea that maybe there weren't that many more people doing meth, but that maybe there were more people being busted for it. I recognize that it was a biased opinion, but I think it was noteworthy one.

I can't help but have similar feelings surrounding the crime and the perception of crime here in Columbia, MO. Based off a lot of what I have heard from my peers, they don't feel safe living in Columbia. Though most of them are here for a temporary time, a lot of them don't even consider Columbia to be home, because it isn't a place where they feel safety and security. I think this is due to a multitude of reasons: there are a lot of sexual assaults on campus, there has been a manhunt during a handful of students' time here, a man was shot in a University parking garage and so on. 

It makes sense that students don't feel safe here.

But how dangerous and unsafe is Columbia really?

In case you didn't know, Columbia is a very journalistic town. Almost nothing goes unnoticed or unreported. Along the lines of the theory from one of the officers mentioned earlier, what if it's the same idea? What if it's not that there is more crime, but that there are more people finding out about crime?  If you think about it, Columbia is fairly aware of what is happening.

This is only pt. 1 of this series where I hope to explore crime in Columbia. I plan to gain different perspectives on this topic, talk to students, do research and determine the reality of the safety in Columbia.

cooper's landing.

Throughout the semester, everyone has to do one multimedia project. I was lucky enough to be partnered up with one of my best friends, Kaley. We did a story on Cooper's Landing. Find out more about it here. I had a blast with it and I think this story made me realize how much of a passion I have towards visual journalism. 

It's something worth thinking about. 

mass shooters and their game of cat and mouse.

Contagion. 

The word has two meanings. The first meaning is a disease spread by the close contact of one person. The second meaning is a spreading of a harmful idea or practice. And both can be deadly. 

This week in lecture we had an ethics moment. We talked about mass shootings and the big question reporters ask themselves surrounding the type of tragedy: do you keep the killer anonymous? 

First, there are the logical, surface-level questions you have to ask. What is the purpose of saying the killer's name? Does it add to the story? If so, how? Do you even show the killer's face? Again, why is it important?

Curiosity. 

As morbidly strange as it sounds, people are often obsessed with murderers. Not only do people want to know the killer's motives, people are interested in what their last meal was, the last words they spoke and even as Katherine Reed said, "where they sat in kindergarden." There are countless documentaries that focus on criminals and numerous articles written that include last words from those on death row promising, "to send a chill down your spine." 

So, why do we care? I get it, really. People are extremely interested in what could possibly posses someone to take the lives of many. The "why?" is the main reason people are so intrigued. 

Side note: I'm hear to tell you that it's not because people have mental illnesses. Sure, some mass shooters do have a mental illness, but not the majority do like people initially assume. This is also problematic because 1) After looking at this article, and if you still make that conclusion, you're implying that mental illness is only a growing problem in the U.S., which isn't true. 2) You're placing a really terrible stigma on those that do have a mental illness, and making them feel even more monstrous than they already do. 

Anyway, aside from motives, I think people genuinely want to find out killers' backgrounds to make themselves feel safer when they think they are far away from encountering someone with such violence. I also think that people like to put a name to a face. So, we're curious human beings. But at what expense? 

There is evidence out there that proves that shooters are inspired by each other. In the most recent Oregon shooting, the gunman had written about the man that killed the two TV journalists back in August. Contagion. 

Even apart from the inspiration killers thrive off from other killers, again, I ask why? Journalists need to ask why, this time on a deeper, ethical level. Why are we plastering the face of a murderer on every front page, making them recognizable across the nation? Why are we sharing their last words, the comments of a neighbor claiming, "they were a really nice person" or scrolling their Facebook feed searching for any eyebrow-raising posts? WHY?

What good does it to do give them fame? Instead we should be focusing more on these things surrounding mass shootings:

• Most importantly, the victims and the victims' families. 
• Political issues such as gun-control.
• Backgrounds of violence and patterns of crime. 

The media and its consumers are feeding into an intense game killers play in attempt of recognition. They're winning. 

We don't have the power to altogether prevent shootings from happening, but if this will lower the numbers, we need to try something. 

As for the Cheerios someone had for breakfast, who cares?

a recipe for disaster.

Last week was terrible.

When we're growing up and thinking of what we want to do, who we want to become and where we want to go, a dream is established. Sometimes this is problematic. I think where people often go wrong is they don't account for the nightmarish moments, the stumbles and pitfalls or the challenging seasons, which all make up the journey of one's dream.

Or there are people like me.

People like me are perfectionists. People like me become uneasy with the idea of altered plans. People like me make a mistake and it's on the forefront of their mind, begging for attention. People like me get so wrapped up in the nightmarish moments, the stumbles and pitfalls and the challenging moments. People like me aren't thrown off when difficulty comes, but rather, fear there is no way out of it when it does. People like me lose sight of the dream itself.

Rewind. What is the dream?

Well, when I was little, the dream was to become a chef. It was all very simple in that 12-year-old brain of mine; I would be a chef and own my own restaurant in New York City. The inspiration came from watching my grandmother through the years as she made her homemade chicken and dumplings for our family holidays. Fast forward a couple of years and a few bowls of ramen noodles later, and I am nowhere near chef status. Like the countless batches of cookies I have made, that dream was ruined.  

The dream has changed quite a bit.

I don't know the exact moment that I knew I wanted to be a journalist, but it happened. It was sparked by some inspiration like before. I became less interested in the chicken and dumplings, and more interested in the person that was making them. I became interested in people's stories, and I fell in love with the uniqueness of each one.

This semester I have been working part-time as a reporter for The Missourian. It's embedded in a class for school, but it is too demanding to slap the label of "a class" on it. It's tough.  

If I'm being honest, I have felt inadequate and like a failure 95% of this semester. That's a lot of feeling like you're this small (insert how small your fingers can get here).

I said last week was rough. Here's why:
--I cried in front of my editor three times on two separate occasions. Ew.
--I actually used the words, "I feel like a shitty journalist" to my editor.
--My editor was honest about the improvement I needed to have. We'll leave that there.
--I was frustrated because I felt that so far, all reporting was doing was showing me what I don't want to do, versus what I do.
--Because of all of these things, I got extremely hung up on skills, or lack of, and sulked. Seriously, ask my roommates.

I'm not saying the hard times stop here. I'm not implying the challenges are all past tense. I am, however, becoming more comfortable with the idea of failure and the lifestyle of imperfection. Because that is my life right now.

I gave up the dream of becoming a chef, but I'm not giving up the dream of journalism. I am, however, doing some reevaluating with where I see my future, aligned with what I'm passionate about and good at. News reporting is neither.

I don't have all of the answers right now, but I plan on finding them out. People like me usually don't stop until they do.