the days on the boat.

I finished my last final of the semester at 1 o'clock today. I decided to be vulnerable and share a part of my last few months. I started writing journal entries during a dark time and though I wasn't super persistent in keeping up with them, I am so thankful that I did at the beginning. 

So, here are a few glimpses:

October 21, 2015, DAY 1: To have a friend tell you they are concerned about your mental health is one thing. We’ve all made the jokes (not so funny now), about how college slowly destroys your overall well-being on a daily basis. To sit across from a professional and have them tell you they are concerned about your mental health is a different story. Today I was told that I have moderately severe depression, moderately severe anxiety and that my overall ability to function well, was low. That sucks. She said my numbers aligned with what I had told her I was dealing with, so at least there was some needed validation granted. So, how have I been feeling? Lousy. Angry. Unmotivated. But most of all, I’ve been feeling alone. It has been an exhausting cycle of isolating myself but then feeling lonely, of not wanting to go to class, but then panicking when I think of my final grade, and of wanting to get better, but not having the motivation to do so. Don’t get me started on how easily irritated I am at people nowadays. Anger. Frustration. Loneliness. Cyclical. We started discussing options. When I hear the word “medication” I tense up; it’s the option she recommends. I express I’m leaning towards medication, but I’m concerned about it. What are the concerns? Well, for one, there’s the “p word”: pride. One of my best friends described it as accepting defeat. It was true. Then I realized that one is stupid. A lot of people in my life take anti-depressants, I see how it helps them and I genuinely am happy they are taking them. I should allow myself to experience that same type of assistance and not feel ashamed. Also, I’m anxious that the medication will make me feel worse before it makes me feel better. And worse is a scary thought. We talked it out a little more, and my appointment to talk with a doctor about a potential prescription is on Friday. Today, I accepted defeat.

October 23, 2015, DAY 3: The doctor didn't like it when I described taking medication as "accepting defeat." She preferred the word "wisdom." She knew I was religious and I think she was too. She used the analogy I had heard once about a guy standing on the roof of a house during a flood. People came by on a boat and told him to get on. He denied them and said he was waiting for God. Again, then a helicopter came by and told him to get on and again, he denied. The guy ends up drowning and when he got to Heaven he asked, "God, why didn't you rescue me?" God replied and said, "I sent a boat and a helicopter. I tried to rescue you!" The point of that analogy, is that I am trying to be helped right now. I just need to accept it. I gave her the permission to write me a prescription. So today, I'm not accepting defeat; I'm getting on the boat. 

October 24, 2015, DAY 4: I was supposed to start my medication today. I didn't.

October 26, 2015, DAY 6: My freshman year of college, I rarely went to bed before 3 a.m. That isn’t a joke. People said it would catch up to me one day and it has. I’m not sure it did under the same circumstances, though. I’m tired before I know it and my motivation runs out before I even have time to feed it. So I make a list and nothing gets done off of it. I become frustrated with myself because nothing did. Repeat. I think I need to stop making lists but then I get stressed out and overwhelmed. Also, I did it. I took my first anti-depressant today. I know it’s too soon to tell obviously, but nothing magical has happened. Yet.

October 27, 2015, DAY 7: I am feeling really, really anxious tonight. I don’t know if it’s the side effects of the medication already or what, but I can’t focus. I can’t relax. Tomorrow is my GA shift at the Missourian and like always, I’m dreading it.

*EXTREME FAST-FORWARD*

December 15, 2015, DAY 56: Things are still hard, but things are easier to deal with. Everything is not as big or at the forefront of my mind anymore. I don't wake up in the middle of the night worried anymore. I can sit and process my emotions without shutting out the thought of them. This is what this month and a half has done for me. 

Last night I was very tempted to act on my feelings and wallow in anger and sadness over certain things. But I didn't. Instead, I made a list of things I have learned throughout this hard season of my life with relationships and ever-changing circumstances.  

Here are a few of them: 

1. Seek to understand, don't seek to be understood. 

2. Don't lash out; words are very powerful. 

3. Don't go to bed upset.

4. Don't project your insecurities onto someone else. 

5. Time alone is needed.

6. Give people the benefit of the doubt.

7. Take time to see how relationships effect other relationships. Reevaluate if needed.

8. Admit fault when you should.

9. Wounds heal if you treat them correctly. 

10. Pay close attention to those that celebrate with you in your victories.

11. Look closely at those that give you grace.

12. Give grace in return.

13. Passive aggressiveness will never be a good idea.

14. Listen. 

15. People care about you.

16. You are not a burden.

17. Pain is valid, no matter what. 

18. Let yourself feel.

19. It's okay to cry in public.  

20. Trying to forget will only make you remember things deeper later. Address it.

I am overjoyed that I took that step and accepted the help that was being offered to me. There was an outstretched hand to me that came in many forms; I am so glad I finally took it.