remember and rejoice. look ahead and trust.

Whoa! I can't believe January is already almost over. I hope everyone is having a great new year so far. I know I definitely am. It was incredibly refreshing to be able to spend time at home with my family, dogs and friends (coworkers are friends too). And my bed... Miss you lots already.

Now I'm back in Columbia, adjusting to my new routine, wondering if all of this craziness is the new norm now, starting my new job this week and living the dream, basically.

Through all of this exciting embracement of chaos, the one word always comes back to haunt me. That word is nostalgia.

The definition:
"A sentimental longing or wistful affection for the past, typically for a period or place with happy personal associations."

This word has reigned over my life multiple times, specifically in one area of my life. Lately, my dad has been on my heart. I think partially due to the transition from school to home, then home to school. Regardless of the reasoning, I had my fair share of doubt and confusion.

Over Thanksgiving break, I was talking to one of my best friends about all of these changes making me sad. I had a serious "sentimental longing for the past". I explained to her how much I despise those feelings and she told me she was thankful for them. I was confused on her response, until recently, when I reflected on this. The most overused, cliché saying is one that I remind myself DAILY.

"Everything happens for a reason."

You can say it as many times as you want, but you're not going to believe it until you give thanks for your past, no matter how destructive it may be. (Side note: I saw something written with a permanent marker on a wall the other day that read, "Destruction is part of creation." Take that however you please but I thought it was so neat, and I've been thinking about it all week).

With that, I find peace in that 5-word phrase. Peace when I think about me wanting to be a nurse while my dad had cancer, then realizing it wasn't my calling, which led me to journalism. Peace that choosing journalism led me to Mizzou, which brought me to some of the best friendships I have. Peace that some of my most treasured relationships and truth revealed arose from heartache and destruction. The bigs things in our life to us are really small, broken up pieces that reveal how they fit together in beautiful, orderly unity. God is everything, even a scientist, mixing together your painful or joyful experiences, until it's perfected.

"When I'm lost in the mystery, to You my future is a memory, because You're already there."

If you spend too much time longing for what's over, you'll never be content. To think that someday I'll  look back and have nostalgic feelings for my college years, blows my mind. In perspective it's silly to be sad about, for it is shaping me into who I am now (and I'm LOVING it), and it's leading me to where I'm going next. I challenge you to do this, as I myself still need that reminder more times than I can count. Remember and rejoice. Look ahead and trust.

As for me,
"The memory of a righteous man shall be a blessing." Proverbs 10:7

A blessing. 

how much is too much?

Moderation.

We all know what it means. It's all about balance. We hear it a lot used in the context, "Do (activity) in moderation. Water the plant in moderation or else it will drown. Eat desserts in moderation or expect obesity. Study hard in moderation because a social life is a necessity.

Before college, I thought I had moderation down to the tee. Or in other words, my routine, in which I would go insane if it were ever disorganized. Here's a little glimpse of what my week would look like my senior year:

-Monday-Friday: go to school, come home and relax until work, work, homework, bed, repeat
-Saturday: sometimes work, but mostly my night for friends
-Sunday: church, God, family

Yep, I thought I had it all figured out. I mean, I'm making time for faith, family, friends and making some money too, I thought.

"Everything in moderation." That's such a silly phrase. A couple of months ago, my Rock pastor presented a visual, demonstrating how we should prioritze God in our lives. He started with a jar and on the side had some big rocks and a bucket of sand. He started by putting the sand (the busyness in our lives) in first and then the big rocks. You can guess that the rocks didn't fit. So then he put the big rocks in first (God, the important things) followed by the sand. I'll let you draw your own conclusions there.

Looking back, I know I wasn't trying to undervalue by relationship with God. But now to think that I made more time for salad tossing than time with God makes me experience feelings of shame. I don't regret it though; Valuable lesson are learned when I'm wrong.

So, somewhere along the way of shame to realization, time spent with God outnumbered anything else in my life. I have The Rock to give credit to for that. Here's a glimpse of what my freshman year of college looked like:

-Monday: life group (you're grouped with a few people from your community group of your same gender to meet weekly and "do life together"), Monday Night Worship (students from campus ministries get together to sing worship songs for a solid hour..IT'S AWESOME)
-Thursday: meeting with your community group to do bible study
-Friday: usually hanging out with community group (no, they are not Jesus, but the light that all of them carry with them is beautiful and encouraging in my own walk)
-Sunday: church!

That is a lot of Jesus. And that is a lot of time. It intimidated me, sometimes it drained me, but I always came back for more. 

Since I have been home for break, I feel as if the time I go by here is more than what I did at school. I HAVE SO MUCH OF IT. The other day, (actually twice now) I played Wii by myself. That's sheer boredom, but I am successfully on the path to saving Princess Peach. Other than that, I have been doing meaningful activities. Since the New Year year, I too made resolutions of my own. My two major ones are trying to stick with a plan for reading the Bible in a year and doing a 365-devotional with one of my best friends, Kim. I'm going to be completely honest when I say that rarely did I open the Bible for leisurely reading (not searching for a verse). And I've never stuck with a devotional before. So, after I completed day 4 today, I was spending time with my other best friend, Lauren. She had to go into the Family Christian Bookstore and I knew I was doomed. I always spend money on books, journals, Jesus things. As I was in there, we made the decision that we would do our 365-devotional and hold each other accountable. As I was roaming through my options, it was then when I asked myself, "Do I have time for this? How much is too much?"

MY FRIENDS ARE AWESOME.

My Faith pastor once said, "If you're too busy for God, you're too busy."

Do I have time for this? Lightbulb. That question I asked myself soon became I will find time for this. 

You see, there is no such thing as moderation when it comes to God. As C.S. Lewis said: "Why do I make room in my mind for such filth and nonsense." Everything in moderation? No. Some things in moderation. God always.

Be very careful, then, how you live--not as unwise but as wise, making the most of every opportunity, because the days are evil. Therefore do not be foolish, but understand what the Lord's will is. Ephesians 5:15-17

So, when I asked myself, "How much is too much?" I answered my own question: There is no such thing.