hey, it's Madi: this is the real me.

Have you ever pretended to be something you aren't?

You know, laughed at a joke that you didn't fully understand, or nodded your head in agreement at something you didn't actually believe to be true?

I did.

The events that have unfolded in the past 24 hours are proof at how fast life can happen and make you stop and say, "holy shit" out loud.

If you know me personally or even if you've just been following my blog, you probably know that this semester with journalism has been tough. I think there's the tough that you can tolerate and the tough that, well, you can't.

Three nights in a row I had woken up feeling anxious. I was on edge, worrying, my heart was racing and overall, I was in a very anticipatory state. I was worried about the Missourian, if I would have enough articles by the end of the semester to pass, the professional people I needed to call for interviews and so on.

Yesterday was my GA shift at the Missourian. This happens every other week, where we're required to go and be on shift, ready to report whatever is happening that day. I dreaded it. I always dreaded it. Yesterday morning I woke up (before my early alarm) anxious again and with an unsettling feeling. I pushed the thoughts back. I went in to the Missourian and all day these thoughts of doubt and unsettlement kept resurfacing. Again, I pushed them back.

Then it kind of all unfolded at once.

My classmates starting talking about what they wanted to do when they graduated, what classes they were taking next semester, how many articles they've published and some were even doing phone interviews. It was in that moment that I got this overwhelming realization that this is not what I want to do. It wasn't a temporary feeling of panic that would fade at the end of the semester, but it was a feeling that I was applying to the rest of my life. I had been using this class as a stepping stone to magazine. But here's the thing: I don't see myself working for a magazine. I'm not passionate about magazines. I can't name five magazines and tell you why I think they are great or why I would want to work for them. I think because I love writing I put myself in a box and in my mind thought, "You love writing so do magazine writing. Yeah, that makes sense." In all reality, there are other opportunities that allow me to use my passions without simultaneously wanting to pull my hair out. So if I didn't want to do news reporting (which we knew already) and I didn't want to work for a magazine, which was why I was enduring the class in the first place, what the hell was I doing?

So instead of pushing those feelings back once again, I let myself feel them. This came in the form of many, many tears. I left the Missourian and went outside for a walk. I immediately called my mom and cried to her. I explained what I had been feeling, how it had been building up for so long and that it wasn't worth it to me. Because it wasn't. I don't think it's fair to say that this class is the sole reason why I was feeling so anxious and down, but it has played a significant role in it. That among questioning what it was that I did want to do, day by day convincing myself that I'll one day fully love it and faking passion that wasn't there. Breaking. Point.

Let me be clear: I still love journalism, story-telling and reading stories. None of that has went away. I still plan to do journalism, just in a different light. I have just realized that I love getting to know people and their own personal stories. I love non-profit organizations that are working to make a small difference even if it's communicating in the smallest way that people matter. I care more about someone's favorite childhood memory versus calling someone to get the population number of downtown Columbia. I have a new gained respect for people that do the intense reporting for newspapers and magazines and are good at it. And that's not me.

I then called my brother and told him what I had told my mom. He joked and said that he doesn't want me to show up at his doorstep in Illinois telling him I've dropped out of college, but jokes aside, that I need to do whatever it takes to do something I'm passionate about. So after I talked with him, I knew there was one more person I needed to talk to.

So I gathered myself, patted my puffy eyeballs and walked back into the newsroom.

My editor knew something was wrong as I approached her so at about the same time I was saying, "I need to talk to you," she was saying, "Come on, let's go talk."

I had no fear like usual. Katherine, if you're reading this, you intimidate me on a daily basis. I had no fear because I didn't feel like I had anything to lose. For the first time in so long, I just wanted to say how I felt and be heard. And I definitely was. Again, I reiterated that I was unhappy, it wasn't worth my mental health and that I wasn't willing to make the sacrifices that others were. The more and more times I said it, the more relieving it felt.

My editor was completely understanding and supportive and I can't express how much I appreciated that.

I also want to add that I don't regret my time at the Missourian. I don't want to walk away and say I learned nothing because without a doubt, I did. I might not have improved my interviewing skills or discovered the top five magazines I love the most, but I learned things from this experience that I wouldn't have gotten doing anything else.

So, I left.

There are no hard feelings anywhere, at least I hope not. This is more about me taking my life into my own hands.

It's weird, though. I decided to drop the class and quit, yet somehow I still feel like I won.

women in the media, me in the world.

Yesterday, I attended a panel where Jacqui Banaszynski lead Missouri Honor Medalists Barbara Ehrenreich, Meredith Artley and Merrill Perlman in a discussion about women in the media.

I left not with wanting to shout, "FEMINISM!" or even to be known as this woman who played an incredible role in the media, but instead it made me think, "What is my role in journalism at all?" I don't strive to be known as this respectable women in the media who makes an impact, but I strive to be respected as a person in this world who makes an impact. It's not fair to put yourself in a box like that and say, "I will only accept greatness if it comes in the form of x or y" or "I will only be making an impact if I do it this specific way like they did." I do that a lot. I compare and when I fall short of the expectation I had for myself, all that is left is a little bit of time; the rest was wasted.

I think it's important to note the challenges of being a women in the journalism field and how to overcome those obstacles, but I think it's equally important to note the challenges of being a journalist overall. And those were the wheels that were turning for me in yesterday's panel. What will it take to get there? What am I willing to sacrifice? What am I not willing to sacrifice? 

During the panel, the women touched on the idea of women getting tortured with the work/life balance.

Banaszynski asked, "Can we have it all?"

"What is 'it'?" asked Perlman.

That's the ultimate question. In my opinion, the "it" is what you make it be. Like Perlman said yes, you're going to have make sacrifices somewhere; I think that's with any career, whether in the act of pursuing it, or when it finally comes time to live it out.

"In your 20s, you can build your life around journalism. Or maybe I built journalism around my life, I'm not sure," said Artley.

You can build journalism around your life. Hmm.

Here's my "it". The non-negotiable things I want for my life. Or in other words, the things I will build journalism around:

1. I have to travel. 

At least a little bit. At least at first. I love going new places and trying new things, and doing them with someone or others (which leads into my next point).

2. Loyalty to the people in my life. 

Whether that be my spouse and putting them first, or attending my kids' soccer practice (if I have kids) or standing by a best friend on her wedding day. Loyalty to them comes first.

3. I have to be OK. 

In other words, I will make sure to take care of myself and my mental well-being before I stretch myself to the point of insanity. Perlman mentioned at some law firms they have crying rooms. Mark my words when I say I will never work somewhere where there is a crying room.

So, as far as sacrificing and seeing how far I'll go, I'm not entirely sure yet. I think we all just wing it and sometimes we lose things before we even realized we were sacrificing them in the first place.

I know few things for certain, but one of them is that journalism is a learning experience every single day. Yes, it's incredibly demanding and difficult but there are so many different ways you can be a part of something that most people don't.

"Journalism is an adventure," said Ehrenreich. "I don't understand most people's lives and how they don't die of boredom. I need adventure."

Me too, Barbara. Me too.

the perception of crime, pt. 4.

Leslie Goelz wakes up at 5:30 a.m. every morning to run. Even though most people would feel unsafe where Goelz runs, she doesn't.

"I stay aware, but I would do that anywhere," said Goelz.

Goelz moved into the Ridgeway neighborhood two and a half years ago. She said she has never been a victim of a crime, no one has ever been mean to her and overall, she feels safe living there. However, she knows crime occurs there.

"I think some of the renters are involved with the wrong kind of people and that brings people in the neighborhood who end up causing crime," said Goelz.

Goelz wanted to get involved in the neighborhood when she moved there and started attending the monthly meetings. In addition, she got into contact with Michael Maw and Pat Kelley.

Goelz said that since she had moved in, she had this idea that positively affecting a neighborhood has to start with impact. Her idea of impact was showing the people in the neighborhood that they matter, are cared for and that they have a part in this community too. If people knew that Goelz said, "the atmosphere would maybe change in that area."

Goelz has done this in the past by passing out flyers, getting to know the neighbors and planning events such as a neighborhood block party.

Goelz said that yes, you're going to have the lower income houses that don't have completely green grass, but they're still good people. She added that maybe because people know those are the lower income families so they assume that's where crime will reside, which creates a negative perception.

"I think if you keep impacting the people, then the crime will fizzle out. You have to keep impacting them positively and showing them that this community is doing things," said Goelz. "If you show other people that this community is doing things, then maybe those people won't come. Say we don't want to do that anymore, so you don't need to come into our neighborhood to commit that crime."

we're all a little annoying.

No one likes feeling annoying. No one likes feeling annoyed. And often, both happen.

I have found this fear come up too often in my journalism career. Except it's usually one-sided; I feel annoying. First of all, I psyche myself out and feel annoying before I even call someone for an interview. There's no denying that some people really don't have the time of day for you or your questions. However, the majority of people do want to share their voice and will kindly talk to you if you give them the opportunity to. So instead of hearing, "Hey, it's me again and I'm here to annoy you some more with my questions," like I say in my head, people are actually hearing, "Hey, I'm calling again to do an accuracy check to make sure all of my quotes and facts are correct." And people appreciate that.

I had this thought the other day that people often get annoyed with others when they are simply doing their job. Think about it. When a police officer writes you a speeding ticket you're annoyed. The waitress that checks on people too frequently is annoying, the teacher that assigns homework: annoyance. Lawyers that are protecting their clients and won't disclose information. American Red Cross callers. Car salesmen. And so on. All of these people, despite their position or title, have one thing in common: they are all doing their job.

So yes, there will be those people that give you heavy sighs, seem annoyed or uninterested in you, or frustrated when you call them at their job. Don't let it get to you; you're just trying to do yours.

stop and stare.

I'm starting to appreciate the visual side of life more and more lately. Pictures hold a lot of meaning and I don't care to be labeled as the one always documenting a moment, or the one never appreciating a moment for what it is. I agree that some moments aren't meant to be relived or obsessed over, but I think the important ones should have the opportunity to be remembered. 

However, I think it's also important to have feelings with those pictures. I remember being on my favorite vacation and while I was taking a ton of photos, my dad told me I should be writing in a journal at the end of each night to remember each day. I didn't listen to him. Now, here I am, I have all of these pictures to look back on, but I don't remember what I thought of the sights then, or the names of the people I met. I can look at a picture now and think something of it, but 20-year-old me is going to think something differently than 15-year-old me did.

That's what I'm learning lately. Take in each moment. Appreciate the good and don't be so quick to dismiss the bad. Make something of the moments instead of the moments getting the best of you. 

Anyway, I've been feeling blah lately and have been a overwhelmed with life, so I wanted to go on a photo adventure to force myself to slow down and look for beauty. Luckily, my friend Margaret was all for it. 

So, here was some of our day:

Welllll, we were going to catch the sunrise and then eat a huge breakfast. But 6:30 a.m. And Saturday morning. Those two things don't sound great together. Instead, we let ourselves sleep in for a little bit and decided that bagels would suffice. I remember feeling overjoyed when we were coming up this road and seeing the variety of fall colors starting to show.

I tagged along with Margaret to one of her photo shoots. We joked and said I was her assistant, but let's be real here, I held and switched her lenses back and forth at least ten times. I loved it, though. I loved watching someone in their element, doing something they're really passionate about. And good at. I loved watching the Naufel's be a family and love on their son, Eben. It wasn't for the pictures, it was genuine and that was comforting to me.

Some things make admiration easy:

About 10/10 times I wear the wrong shoes in terms of comfortability and reliability. But come on, would a pair of tennis shoes have looked cute in the fall leaves? No.

Eben runs faster than I do. Note to self to start running again. Correction: note to self to start running. He seemed to enjoy it.

Again, fall colors from afar.

I've been having this weird realization lately that after college I can basically go anywhere and that's exciting and terrifying. Or, you know, I could not stay still. That one is sounding pretty nice. An air freshener that I have never noticed in Marge's car before:

This is dedication. Margaret woke up sick this morning but was a trooper all day, with the help of her order from Starbucks: a hot tea with one mint majesty tea bag, one earl grey tea bag, an inch and a half of hot water, steamed lemonade the rest of the way, no peppermint syrup and two packets of honey. I don't think I'm ever going to forget that one, Marge.

Capen, you are worth every breath of reminding me of how out of shape I am.

BRUNCH. I love brunch. I love Cafe Berlin, and apples and sausage, and ordering chocolate milk at 1 p.m.

We hunted down this overlook and drove 25 miles to find it.

Margaret was looking down at her phone, reading a funny text her friend had just sent her. I heard her laugh from my car.

*Katy Perry voice* This is how we do. 

We decided to get close to the water and eventually those big signs became little specks and it's so much harder to walk back up a hill once you've walk down it, and wow, did I mention I'm out of shape?

Hey, little guys.

So, that was some of the day anyway. Like I said before, some moments don't need to be relived, like when I tripped on the gravel or when I nature peed because I couldn't hold it any longer.

But I think they are all worth remembering. 

the perception of crime, pt. 3.

Pat Kelley has lived in the Ridgeway neighborhood since 1988. She is the treasurer of the neighborhood and in the past has even been the president.

Kelley first got involved with the neighborhood in 1997, when she helped start a group called the "Crime Stoppers."

Kelley said that her and the other members didn't realize the perception of crime in the area was as negative as it was until people started verbalizing that they didn't want to live there because of it. Kelley recalled a time that a few journalism students from San Francisco and New York were checking out the area and they said that people had told the students that they didn't want to live there because it's dangerous. Kelley said she remembered thinking, "More dangerous than San Francisco or New York?"

Kelley said she thinks more can be done by policing enforcement, such as walking through the neighborhoods checking things out or some other strategies to protect the neighborhood overall.

Kelley said there have been three shootings since the spring, yet she still doesn't feel unsafe there.

"I really think that the perception of crime in the area is a whole lot worse than the crime is. I think there is a lot of prejudice," said Kelley.

the perception of crime, pt. 2.

Michael Maw is a grad student who moved to Columbia in 2012, searching for housing close to campus. Maw ended up moving into Ridgeway neighborhood, which is a triangle stretching from Providence Road, Sexton Road and Business Loop 70. Maw knew minimal information about Ridgeway having the past of criminal activity that it does before moving to the neighborhood. Fast forward a little bit, and Maw has now been the president of the Ridgeway Neighborhood Association for a year and a half and knows a lot about the crime in the area.

Maw said he hasn't really felt unsafe in the Ridgeway neighborhood but has recognized the negative perception surrounding it, and has taken part in efforts to remove the negative connotation. However, Maw knows that crime does exist. It can't be ignored and sadly enough, a lot of it does happen in his neighborhood. Here were some of his thoughts:

1. Rental property and the turnover rate with rental property play a significant role. Landlords own property that they do not care for (still figuring the reasoning out), which results in a lot of drug houses. This one is easy: the more drug houses, the more drug deals. So, lack of TLC from landlords. 

2. Rental property and affordable housing is a big deal. In case you didn't know, most student rental properties have inflated prices, costing double or three times as much as it should. These types of affordable rental properties, such as the Ridgeway neighborhood, draw in families with low income. "Poverty breeds poverty," said Maw. So, even if these people living in poverty aren't criminals, they unfortunately have a negative reputation. 

3. There is gang activity but Maw doesn't think it's all residential. In past shootings, the shooters have ended up being from a different part of Columbia, or not even from Columbia at all. Maw said he believes this is due to the easy ways to get out of a neighborhood such as Ridgeway. Maw more thoroughly described the location of his neighborhood and said it's an easy way out for people. There isn't a stoplight, a stop sign, there are eight exit points and traffic can easily speed out. That's where some shootings have happened; where there's an easy way out. It's much easier to catch someone in a suburban neighborhood where there are windy streets and only one in and one out. Those types of neighborhoods don't have many cross streets and when you're in there, you're in there. So, we should consider the fact that Columbia is made up of a lot of inner city neighborhoods, with easy ways in and out.  

"I think with Ridgeway, you've got to know your neighborhoods, what they're going through, know their joys and their sorrows and ultimately, help each other out," said Maw.

Stay tuned.

the perception of crime, pt. 1.

I'm from Jefferson County, MO.

Some people have no idea where that is or what it is known for. However, if you're from Jefferson County, you know exactly what it is known for. Or was. Meth.

There is some good news: Jefferson County is no longer the meth capital of the U.S.

I remember in high school, when we reached the chapter focusing on drugs in Health class, our county having the reputation that it did was always mentioned. Specifically, in one video we watched in class, I will never forget one of the officers in Jefferson County proposing the idea that maybe there weren't that many more people doing meth, but that maybe there were more people being busted for it. I recognize that it was a biased opinion, but I think it was noteworthy one.

I can't help but have similar feelings surrounding the crime and the perception of crime here in Columbia, MO. Based off a lot of what I have heard from my peers, they don't feel safe living in Columbia. Though most of them are here for a temporary time, a lot of them don't even consider Columbia to be home, because it isn't a place where they feel safety and security. I think this is due to a multitude of reasons: there are a lot of sexual assaults on campus, there has been a manhunt during a handful of students' time here, a man was shot in a University parking garage and so on. 

It makes sense that students don't feel safe here.

But how dangerous and unsafe is Columbia really?

In case you didn't know, Columbia is a very journalistic town. Almost nothing goes unnoticed or unreported. Along the lines of the theory from one of the officers mentioned earlier, what if it's the same idea? What if it's not that there is more crime, but that there are more people finding out about crime?  If you think about it, Columbia is fairly aware of what is happening.

This is only pt. 1 of this series where I hope to explore crime in Columbia. I plan to gain different perspectives on this topic, talk to students, do research and determine the reality of the safety in Columbia.

cooper's landing.

Throughout the semester, everyone has to do one multimedia project. I was lucky enough to be partnered up with one of my best friends, Kaley. We did a story on Cooper's Landing. Find out more about it here. I had a blast with it and I think this story made me realize how much of a passion I have towards visual journalism. 

It's something worth thinking about. 

mass shooters and their game of cat and mouse.

Contagion. 

The word has two meanings. The first meaning is a disease spread by the close contact of one person. The second meaning is a spreading of a harmful idea or practice. And both can be deadly. 

This week in lecture we had an ethics moment. We talked about mass shootings and the big question reporters ask themselves surrounding the type of tragedy: do you keep the killer anonymous? 

First, there are the logical, surface-level questions you have to ask. What is the purpose of saying the killer's name? Does it add to the story? If so, how? Do you even show the killer's face? Again, why is it important?

Curiosity. 

As morbidly strange as it sounds, people are often obsessed with murderers. Not only do people want to know the killer's motives, people are interested in what their last meal was, the last words they spoke and even as Katherine Reed said, "where they sat in kindergarden." There are countless documentaries that focus on criminals and numerous articles written that include last words from those on death row promising, "to send a chill down your spine." 

So, why do we care? I get it, really. People are extremely interested in what could possibly posses someone to take the lives of many. The "why?" is the main reason people are so intrigued. 

Side note: I'm hear to tell you that it's not because people have mental illnesses. Sure, some mass shooters do have a mental illness, but not the majority do like people initially assume. This is also problematic because 1) After looking at this article, and if you still make that conclusion, you're implying that mental illness is only a growing problem in the U.S., which isn't true. 2) You're placing a really terrible stigma on those that do have a mental illness, and making them feel even more monstrous than they already do. 

Anyway, aside from motives, I think people genuinely want to find out killers' backgrounds to make themselves feel safer when they think they are far away from encountering someone with such violence. I also think that people like to put a name to a face. So, we're curious human beings. But at what expense? 

There is evidence out there that proves that shooters are inspired by each other. In the most recent Oregon shooting, the gunman had written about the man that killed the two TV journalists back in August. Contagion. 

Even apart from the inspiration killers thrive off from other killers, again, I ask why? Journalists need to ask why, this time on a deeper, ethical level. Why are we plastering the face of a murderer on every front page, making them recognizable across the nation? Why are we sharing their last words, the comments of a neighbor claiming, "they were a really nice person" or scrolling their Facebook feed searching for any eyebrow-raising posts? WHY?

What good does it to do give them fame? Instead we should be focusing more on these things surrounding mass shootings:

• Most importantly, the victims and the victims' families. 
• Political issues such as gun-control.
• Backgrounds of violence and patterns of crime. 

The media and its consumers are feeding into an intense game killers play in attempt of recognition. They're winning. 

We don't have the power to altogether prevent shootings from happening, but if this will lower the numbers, we need to try something. 

As for the Cheerios someone had for breakfast, who cares?

a recipe for disaster.

Last week was terrible.

When we're growing up and thinking of what we want to do, who we want to become and where we want to go, a dream is established. Sometimes this is problematic. I think where people often go wrong is they don't account for the nightmarish moments, the stumbles and pitfalls or the challenging seasons, which all make up the journey of one's dream.

Or there are people like me.

People like me are perfectionists. People like me become uneasy with the idea of altered plans. People like me make a mistake and it's on the forefront of their mind, begging for attention. People like me get so wrapped up in the nightmarish moments, the stumbles and pitfalls and the challenging moments. People like me aren't thrown off when difficulty comes, but rather, fear there is no way out of it when it does. People like me lose sight of the dream itself.

Rewind. What is the dream?

Well, when I was little, the dream was to become a chef. It was all very simple in that 12-year-old brain of mine; I would be a chef and own my own restaurant in New York City. The inspiration came from watching my grandmother through the years as she made her homemade chicken and dumplings for our family holidays. Fast forward a couple of years and a few bowls of ramen noodles later, and I am nowhere near chef status. Like the countless batches of cookies I have made, that dream was ruined.  

The dream has changed quite a bit.

I don't know the exact moment that I knew I wanted to be a journalist, but it happened. It was sparked by some inspiration like before. I became less interested in the chicken and dumplings, and more interested in the person that was making them. I became interested in people's stories, and I fell in love with the uniqueness of each one.

This semester I have been working part-time as a reporter for The Missourian. It's embedded in a class for school, but it is too demanding to slap the label of "a class" on it. It's tough.  

If I'm being honest, I have felt inadequate and like a failure 95% of this semester. That's a lot of feeling like you're this small (insert how small your fingers can get here).

I said last week was rough. Here's why:
--I cried in front of my editor three times on two separate occasions. Ew.
--I actually used the words, "I feel like a shitty journalist" to my editor.
--My editor was honest about the improvement I needed to have. We'll leave that there.
--I was frustrated because I felt that so far, all reporting was doing was showing me what I don't want to do, versus what I do.
--Because of all of these things, I got extremely hung up on skills, or lack of, and sulked. Seriously, ask my roommates.

I'm not saying the hard times stop here. I'm not implying the challenges are all past tense. I am, however, becoming more comfortable with the idea of failure and the lifestyle of imperfection. Because that is my life right now.

I gave up the dream of becoming a chef, but I'm not giving up the dream of journalism. I am, however, doing some reevaluating with where I see my future, aligned with what I'm passionate about and good at. News reporting is neither.

I don't have all of the answers right now, but I plan on finding them out. People like me usually don't stop until they do.